January 14 2022

This is a delicious vegetable and bean soup I made on Monday, January 2nd. I never posted it, and have been quiet on social media since then. When I go quiet on social media, it’s usually not a good thing. I’ve gone within and am processing.

I’ve had to work through embarrassment, guilt and shame before sharing with everyone. During a break between storms on the evening of January 2nd, the roads were clear and it had stopped snowing.

I decided it would be okay to take Thomas to a previously scheduled evening appointment. Our car is a 2 wheel drive, with the option to shift into 4 wheel drive so winter weather has never been a problem.

While Thomas was in his appointment, it began to snow. On the drive back the car began to malfunction, slipping out of 4 wheel drive. We were nearly home when I lost control of the car on ice. Miraculously we slid across the 4 lanes of highway without hitting another car, and without a car hitting us.

The car slammed into the highway barrier. Airbags deployed but we were fine, other than getting punched in the face with the airbags. The damn car was still running after all that!

I was knocked silly and couldn’t think straight. Thomas. That amazing person. He was on top of it. He said something like, “Okay. We’re breathing. We’re both conscious. Nothing is broken. But, I’m bleeding. Should I call 911?” (The airbag scratched his face.) Remsa checked us out. We all decided there was no need to go to the hospital.

Highway patrol stopped traffic so I could get to the other side of the shoulder as I was facing oncoming traffic on the opposite shoulder.

Once they saw the car was operable, they escorted me to the mall parking lot where Remsa finished checking us. I was so close to our place, the patrol officer said it was okay to drive the car home.

The car looks absolutely fine from behind. But it is totaled. I had a mechanic come look at it yesterday, and it’s not worth it to fix. The front end shifted by about a foot! It still runs though! It is a beast! Ha!

I’ve had this car since 2008 – fourteen years! It came into our life when we had been without a car for nearly two years. I had planned on passing it to Thomas this summer. I’ve had to grieve over my plans getting screwed, and now I have to buy a new car. I really needed to wait until I had finished paying for Thomas’s orthodontic work, and dental work I’ve been having done. Grrrr!

I had to keep reminding myself that Thomas and I came home that night, and walked into our house. That was truly a blessing. We had some incredibly scary looking bruises, but they have healed. I took photos of my bruises, and fat lip; which I shared with mom and Frank. I don’t want to trigger anyone with the photos though.

Why have I had to process embarrassment, guilt, and shame? Those of you who know me, know that it’s been a journey for me to not feel this way when things go wrong, or don’t go as I planned.
These were consistent feelings for me as a child, growing up, and into adulthood. A few years ago, I finally got to a place where I had released most of that. However, this was an unexpected, crisis situation. There was no stopping those feelings.

I usually end these personal kinds of posts saying something like I’m not posting for sympathy. That’s the case with this one, too. But I really don’t know why I’m sharing this. I guess just because my heart wanted to share. I do welcome love, hugs, and positive thoughts about my finances.

Who knows? Maybe there’s something in this long winded post that speaks to someone??!!
xoxo

**Adding** Thank you for taking the time to read my post and for sharing in this moment with me.

I want to add that after about 10 years of chronic economic anxiety, I have a difficult time making a huge financial decision. I swing between being impulsive and indecisive with the what ifs swirling in my thoughts like a tornado. It is exhausting, with having gone through the day in a foggy soup of decisiveness and indecisiveness.

Add to this my current health difficulties and this neurodivergent brain, life has me in not a very good place mentally. Thank you to everyone for the love and support. xoxo